When Self-Pity Blocks Your Career Progress
Do You Know Someone Who Always Faces Challenges?
I need to tell you about a conversation that stayed with me for weeks.
We all know colleagues who focus relentlessly on their difficulties.
Life always happens to them.
Bad things always find them.
No solution ever works.
And if you try to help?
They'll explain why it won't work anyway.
If you've had these conversations, you understand how helpless they leave you feeling.
This isn't about genuine hardship—we all face that.
It's about the stories we tell ourselves when challenges arise.
And here's what I've learnt: those stories cost us more than we realise.
The Pattern Emerges Clearly
People trapped in victim mentality pay selective attention to what goes wrong.
They overlook what goes right.
They test relationships constantly to see who cares enough to stay.
The brooding takes time and energy that could actually improve their situation.
I understand the pull of this pattern.
When I focus on diversity and inclusion, some people suggest I'm stuck in a "victim mindset" myself.
My sensitivity to the slights others experience because of their background drives much of my work.
It's why I wrote "The Con Job: Getting Ahead for Competence in a World Obsessed with Confidence" and why all my books explore experiences of people in the minority at work.
But there's a difference between acknowledging real challenges and dwelling in them.
Questions Change Everything
I worked with a client—let's call her Sarah—who struggled with this pattern.
She'd recount every difficulty in exhaustive detail.
No suggestion from friends helped.
She felt misunderstood and alone, even surrounded by people who cared.
Rather than offering more advice she'd reject, I asked her two questions:
What does it cost you to focus only on difficulties?
What good things are you overlooking?
Sarah went quiet.
Then she identified one small action she could take.
Just one. But it was enough.
That single shift moved her from passive suffering to active problem-solving.
She discovered her own path forward, not because I told her what to do, but because she finally saw it herself.
AI Can't Do This Work
AI can list strategies for overcoming victim mentality.
It can give you five steps to change your thinking.
But it can't help you discover why YOUR specific pattern exists or what it's costing YOU.
It can't notice what you're not saying.
It can't sit with the silence whilst you work through your own resistance.
It can't adapt to your emotional state in the moment.
Coaching creates space to examine the stories we tell ourselves.
Strategic questions reveal where we hold power we didn't recognise.
That's what changed for Sarah—not new information, but new awareness.
Self-Pity Isn't Self-Love
Here's what I've learnt over 20+ years coaching senior STEM women: self-pity masquerades as self-care, but it's not the same as loving and accepting yourself completely.
High achievers rarely identify as victims.
Yet many struggle with selective attention to challenges whilst overlooking their wins.
They remember every criticism but forget every compliment.
They focus on the one person who doesn't get them rather than the many who do.
Breaking free means accepting yourself—warts and all.
Not seeking constant validation.
Not testing whether others care enough.
Just showing up fully, even when it's uncomfortable.
Ready to build sustainable resilience?
Email me at suzanne@doylemorris.com for a complimentary chemistry call.
We'll explore your biggest challenge and whether a 12-month coaching partnership makes sense for you.
Most of my clients are employer-funded.
Yes, your company will likely pay for this and I can help you through that goal.
Learn more: www.suzannedoylemorris.com
About Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris
Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris is an ICF Master Certified Coach (MCC) with a PhD from the University of Cambridge focusing on women in Engineering.
For 25 years, she's coached accomplished women in STEM as they advance to senior leadership.
She's the author of three books: "Beyond the Boys' Club: Strategies for Achieving Career Success as a Woman Working in a Male Dominated Field," "The Con Job: Getting Ahead for Competence in a World Obsessed with Confidence," and "Female Breadwinners: How They Make Relationships Work and Why they are Future of the Modern Workforce."
80% of her clients secure promotions or stretch roles within 12 months.
Not because she gives advice, but because she asks the right questions.
Dr. Suzanne Doyle-Morris is an ICF Master Certified Coach (MCC) with a PhD from the University of Cambridge focusing on women in Engineering.
For 25 years, she's coached accomplished women in STEM as they advance to senior leadership.
She's the author of three books: "Beyond the Boys' Club: Strategies for Achieving Career Success as a Woman Working in a Male Dominated Field," "The Con Job: Getting Ahead for Competence in a World Obsessed with Confidence," and "Female Breadwinners: How They Make Relationships Work and Why they are Future of the Modern Workforce."
80% of her clients secure promotions or stretch roles within 12 months.
Not because she gives advice, but because she asks the right questions.
Welcome to my Blog
I'm Dr Suzanne Doyle‑Morris and I support professional women working in STEM.
Whether you’re seeking your next promotion, aiming for leadership, or simply looking to make your mark, this blog is created for you.
It's written for the ambitious woman in STEM ready to advance and succeed on her own terms.
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The Women in Tech Promotion Playbook
Your roadmap to advancement with balance
The Women in Tech Promotion Playbook is a practical, evidence-based guide designed for ambitious women in STEM who want to advance their careers without burning out. Drawing on over 25 years of coaching and research, I outline five strategic steps that help women move from being overworked and under recognised to confident, visible leaders.
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